why cant i leave things BE? why cant i do the right thing even when i know exactly what it is and how to do it? ha. its not my fault he's the best lay ive had, and its definately not my fault he can fuck me in my back seat with my feet on the window behind my head. and its not my fault its an adventure because if we get caught, its definately jail time for him, which makes it hot and dangerous. and its not my fault he's so goddamn cute when he's mad and pouty and wont look at me except to glare. tee hee. but if i ran off girls like he runs off guys for me, that would be a whole nother story. but for now, i guess everything is good. it works and im not dead yet, so it cant be all bad, right? right.

like anybody even remembers im alive.

thats what i look like

thats my belly button, which didnt really show up. but it would be a nice surface piercing, no?

jon, the evil one who doesnt hate me anymore, called me because he was lonely and bored. and we sat outside for an hour and compared stories and laughed and he told me my friends are no good like he always does. i recognize the fact that he just likes to look out for me, even if he doesnt realize it. somewhere deep down, i think he cares about me. itsweird. he's the only person i can get into a full fledged verbal fight with, and then we'll be cool three days later. we just talked and laughed, and shared cigarettes and drove to the store and listened to korn, just like we used to. and then we compared love lives and bitched and moaned, and laughed some more. i miss him. i remember when he first moved away and i prayed so hard he would come back so i could get to know him, even if we didnt date or fuck, just as long as i could find out more about this amazing kid. and he did. and its weird. i love him. i never denied that. even when i hated him, i still loved him. and so we sat on my trunk, the sky only lit by the street lamps 50 yards away, and i said goodbye and i gave him a hug and decided i just kind of forgive him.

its hard to forgive somebody when they cheat on you constantly, use you for everything you have, tell you youre completely worthless, threaten to call the cops on you, tell you that the half pound of pot is going under your seat if we get pulled over, or tell complete lies about you to whoevers willing to listen. its hard to forgive somebody like that, but then i just kind of did.

and i feel a giant weight lifted off of me for it.

no, actually, fuck you.

gag me with a fucking knife, asshole.

we took a break, and i think i hurt his ego. we both went down the rebound path. mine called it quits after 3 weeks. he got his pregnant. of course i didnt know this the whole last month ive been trying to win him back. the whole time ive been doing him so many favors and giving him cigarette money, and hes been using me the whole time. long chat with his friend resulted in her telling me how many times he cheated on me, how he had absolutely no respect for me, and how he told everyone things i trusted him with. but thats not important right now. whats important is the fact that ive wasted so much for him, and not only does he quite literally hate, despise, disrespect, and laugh at me, but he never really loved me in the first place. and he got her pregnant. which means she probably conceived while him and i were still together. he asked another favor of me on friday. i said no. he flipped. how dare a stupid bitch deny him any sort of courtesy. and right then i didnt love him anymore, and i didnt want to bend over backwards for him anymore. but now all i can think about is how i ruined something that could have been beautiful, and how that child is going to grow up without a father, and how he told me i would be the first mother of his children. and the lies. every single fucking word he ever said to me was nothing but a drawn out, neverending lie. i got completely conned. now im even more tainted and dirty and used. that poor child. he doesnt love it either.
i suppose these things happen.

if i dont start being more positive, nobody will ever love me. jon is gone. he owes me $80 still, and im never getting it back. he hates me. seriously. like passionately. and he's going to georgia soon, so that'll be good. i hate him too sometimes, and i think its probably best that we're not together anymore, so we cant torture each other. i cant tell if we were too similar or too different. but its for the best, and i can be happy now with what i have, which isnt much, but its enough.

i have bronchitis, but you dont know that because you told me to get the fuck out of your house before i could explain that i was sick and probably wouldnt be seeing you for a few days, so i snuck out to give you your music back. i havent been able to sleep for the past month without the tv on, but you wouldnt know that because i havent told anybody. you also wouldnt know that shelly is going to die today, and she has had more of an impact on me than most of my family. you also dont know that it hurts when you call me fat, and it hurts my esophagus even more when i involuntarily regurgitate my meals as a result of your self appointed superior standing. everything about you disgusts me, and when i tell you i love you, i mean it, and i bet you didnt know that either. and the hundred dollars you finally paid me back says that im ten times as smart as you could ever imagine. at least i give myself that. you see me as a stupid, irresponsible, naive juvenile with twenty more problems than solutions, and a loud mouth, and youre wrong. i was fine before without you, and i'll be fine once you decide to throw me to the side like you do garbage bags full of last nights party. litter takes ages to biodegrade, and so will i. i wrote all over myself in red sharpie for you, but you were too busy to even notice, and thats fine too. sometimes i really do hate you, and i wonder how long it will take for you to realize that we're the best thing for each other.




sometimes, when you sit with your legs folded under you like a ten year old, it makes my heart race and melt and i dont hate you anymore.

you know those movies where the little girl falls in love with the older guy and all her family hates him and all her friends hate him, but it has no effect on her whatsoever? where she gives up all her friends and her family and herself just to be with him for another hour, another minute, another kiss. where she'd give up her lunch table and her only other social outlet, just because he doesnt like them, and she values his opinion more than everybody else's- except her own. and her opinion is that she loves him. and he is probably the best thing that ever happened to her, and he could teach her so much more than she already knows because everywhere shes going, he's been there. and she thinks she could teach him what she knows, which is exactly what he lacks. she thinks she could teach him about real friendship, without hardcore drugs and too much sex, and simple, honest, pure love. about solving problems without assault, rice krispie treats, and falling asleep with each other after an excellent movie. she thinks she could replace his fists with open arms, and he thinks he can replace her naivety with wiseness of the street and the true world where you indeed have to lie, cheat, and steal to get what you want, and even what you need.

do you remember that movie?

i do, but i dont remember how it ends.

i just remember that she is completely content with it just being him and her versus whoever stands in their way. and thats as far as i get in the lifetime movie, because im a lazy fuck and always end up falling asleep on my floor in front of the tv.